Put on your old Donnie Baseball jersey, pour a cold beer, and get out your Tim McCarver voodoo doll...it's time for the World Series! River & Sunset has 11 reasons why the American League champion Yankees will topple the National League champion Phillies in the annual Fall Classic.
11. Home-field advantage
The Yankees went 57-24 at Yankee Stadium during the regular season and are undefeated in five home games during the playoffs. The Phillies, meanwhile, were the only playoff team that played better on the road (48-33) than at home (45-36) during the regular season. They are 4-1 at home in the postseason.
10. Less humiliating fight song
This is a lesser of two evils type of thing; like deciding if you'd rather be boiled in a vat of acid or torn apart by rabid pitbulls.
The virgins over at Z100 unveiled a re-worked version of the Jay-Z/Rihanna single "Run This Town", boasting of the Yankees' greatness.
The chorus of "Yankees Run This Town":
"Winning games like it's not fair/Yankees rule so we don't care/26 World Series rings/Time to pop some more champagne/Victory is within the mile/Almost there don't give up now/Only thing that's on my mind/Yanks gonna run this town tonight"
Somehow, the simple-minded folk over at Philadelphia Q102 managed to out-gay the Yankees, using a Miley Cyrus sample to prove they actually root for the team that is superior at the game of baseball
The hook of "Phillies Going All The Way":
"So I put my hands up, the game is comin' on/The Phillies goin' all the way/Noddin' my head like yeah, movin' my hips like yeah/I put my hands up/Hits the pitch and it's gone/The Phillies gonna save the day/Yeah, it's the Phillies goin' all the way"
So, yeah, both kind of disgraceful, but Jay-Z > Miley Cyrus. Let's just move on.
9. CC, CC, CC
I typed Mr. Sabathia's name three times because that's how many times the Phillies may have to see the beefy ALCS MVP this series. The Yankees have leaned on their big man all season long, so it's only right they do it again tonight in Game One. Cliff Lee is a more than capable adversary, but he's not squaring off against Hiroki Kuroda anymore.
8. Jimmy Rollins is .250 hitter
The Phillies shortstop talks a lot. Like, a lot. It always seemed cute when he would mess with those poor, defenseless Mets, but this isn't the Mets, pal. And again, you're a .250 hitter. Let's leave the trash talk to the big boys, okay J-Roll?
7. Charlie Manuel vs. Joe Girardi
It was hard not to jump from the Girardi Bandwagon after his rocky ALCS, but at least he, well, prepares for games. Manuel makes Joe Torre look like Buck Showalter in comparison. I imagine Manuel's most impressive asset as manager is his ability to clear out the right side of the dugout after a seven-course meal at Charlie Brown's.
6. Philadelphia fans are the worst
Trust me, these guys are awful humans. When I was living in L.A., we used to go to this sports bar in Hollywood called Big Wangs. It's a great place, where games start at 10 a.m., they have DIY bloody marys, you can order buffalo chicken quesadillas with tater tots for breakfast, and if you're lucky like me, a busboy will steal your watch.
Anyway, as a Jets fan, I went to Wangs to eat, drink, and watch my team disgrace itself in peace. But the Eagles fans can't just sit and watch a game like regular fans. They need to scream and yell and sing their horrible fight song after something as nondescript as a three-and-out on defense.
Worst of all, when things turn sour (and with the Eagles, they always do) these buffoons are suddenly nowhere to be seen. They probably skip out on the bill, too.
Judging by how much Mets fans despise Phillies fans, I can only assume these guys are the same way with baseball.
5. A-Rod is A-God
You can't imagine Alex Rodriguez letting up at this point, right? I mean, did you see him in Game Six? He's on every single pitch. A-Rod has used this postseason to reshape his legacy to this point. A huge World Series can cement it.
4. Closer breakdown is not even close
Let's see. In Mariano Rivera, the Yankees have the greatest relief pitcher ever to put on a uniform, both in the regular season and the playoffs. The Phillies have Brad Lidge, a guy who was publicly raped on national television by Albert Pujols a few years back, has a bum knee, and blew nine saves during the season, including one to the Yankees.
His name is also Brad. Warrants mentioning.
Phillies fans contend that Lidge is all better after going 4-for-4 in save opportunities in the playoffs. I'm going to say he blows at least one save in this series, and he may sniff Byung-Hyun Kim territory with another.
3. Better mascot
The Phillies have the Philly Phanatic, a fat, furry green creature that has been a staple of Phillies home games since 1978. The Yankees don't have a mascot, because mascots are fucking amateur hour.
2. Celebrity edge
Notable Yankee celebrity fans: Jack Nicholson, Rudy Giuliani, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Billy Crystal, Tom Brady, Adam Sandler, Bruce Springsteen, Jesus Christ, Kate Hudson, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, LeBron James, God, Jennifer Lopez, Chris Rock, Jay-Z, Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington, Bono, Donald Trump, David Letterman
Notable Phillies celebrity fans: Kevin Eubanks, Jamie Kennedy, Art Garfunkel, Ali Larter
Put it this way: If Wham! liked baseball, we'd get George Michael and they'd get the other guy.
1. The Yankees are the better team
I don't think this is going to be a cake walk. The Phillies are a good team, the best team the Yankees have faced in the World Series since the '96 Braves. That said, this has been a special season in New York, and I just don't see this train crapping out this close to the station.
The Yankees in six. See you at the parade.
Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at email@example.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.