Thursday, May 6, 2010

10 Reasons Why Yanks-Sox Series Won't Please Joe West

The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox square off this weekend at Fenway Park, the first meeting between the two rivals since umpire Joe West's controversial marks about the slow pace of play between the teams.

Unfortunately for West, and those that have early dinner reservations this weekend, River & Sunset has uncovered a list of 10 reasons why this three-game series will be just as long, if not longer, than the matchups that preceded it.

10) Removing the earthly remains of Big Papi: David Ortiz's body needs to be moved for insurance purposes, and the series won't be able to start until it happens.

Luckily, the one-time star hasn't sniffed the field in years, so his decomposing corpse only needs to be transported from the dugout to a waiting coroner van outside Fenway Park. Cause of death: Inside fastballs under the hands.

9) Nick Johnson's mustache: Females of Boston will surely react like Somerville teens at a New Kids On The Block concert circa 1989 when they see the facial hair the Yankee DH is now sporting. It kind of makes him look like the middle-aged guy sitting in a van across from the elementary school. Look out ladies!

8) Teixeira's about to get hot: I just get the feeling this is the weekend we finally see the real Teixeira show up, extending innings with multiple-pitch at-bats and line drives everywhere. Theo Epstein will once again be reminded that he passed on the star first baseman on financial principles that made no sense. A despondent John Henry will tweet: "uber-bummed we don't have texeira [sic]. #MyGMblewit."

7) Clay Buchholz iPad investigation: You probably thought the Red Sox right-hander got the carnal lust for electronic equipment out of his system during the great Laptop Heist of 2005. Unfortunately, the lure of the massively-popular new Apple device was too much to resist.

6) Derek Jeter Reparations Ceremony: Boston fans will finally embrace the greatness that has been right under their noses since 1996. In a touching moment, Red Sox Nation president Jerry Remy will get on the PA system to announce that no crowd chant has ever been more erroneous than "NO-MAH'S BET-TAH!"

Jeter will forget to mention this moment while laying in bed with a nude Minka Kelly later in the night.

5) Crappy Red Sox Remembrance Night: Speaking of Nomar, the Red Sox already had one bogus celebration of a player their fans turned on, so this weekend the team will take the concept to the next level by just celebrating a random collection of losers.

The group will include: Shea Hillenbrand, Brian Daubach, Rich Gedman, Troy O'Leary, Nick Esasky, Sam Horn, Jody Reed, John Valentin, and Tim Naehring. Calvin Schraldi will throw out the wild first pitch. Rich "El Guapo" Garces needs a crane to be removed from his home, so will instead address the crowd live via satellite.

4) J.D. Fan Club loses it: Stat geeks from across the country, unable to contain themselves over Saber-friendly Red Sox outfielder J.D. Drew, will dash onto the field in unison before being violently tased by Boston Police. Drew will honor his fallen disciples by going 0-for-2 with two walks.

3) Josh Beckett goes AWOL: Beckett, who was signed to a ridiculous contract extension earlier this season, will continue his descent into mediocrity when he misses a start after falling asleep on pile of extension money. Theo Epstein will counter that Beckett's ability to rest soundly on American currency is an example of his high BABIP and FIP.

2) Fenway scoreboard operator eaten by rats: This one is fairly self-explanatory. Can someone get an exterminator in there? Geez.

1) Pink Hat rebellion: Confused that the team is struggling for the first time since the franchise came into existence in 2004, women and confused teens in pink Boston caps storm the field in protest. Many look to hug Johnny Damon only to be told that he left the team in 2006. More tasing is involved. Lots and lots of tasing.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.