World Series enters Twilight Zone on Halloween

Perhaps it's fitting that Game Three of the World Series will be played on the night of Halloween.

Some strange, downright scary, developments played out in the first two games of the series, developments that make this matchup nearly impossible to predict going forward.

I wouldn't be surprised if the ghost of Rod Serling introduced the starting lineups at this point.

You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone! Jerry Hairston Jr. starts for your team in a World Series game!

We all knew Cliff Lee was a great pitcher, the guy is a Cy Young award winner after all, but there was no way to predict he would pitch like Brendan Fraser in The Scout.

Lee's exploits meant that CC Sabathia was a losing pitcher, which is kind of freaky to think about in its own right.

And did I mention that Jerry Hairston Jr. started for the Yankees in a World Series game? Again, Jerry Hairston Jr. started for the Yankees in a World Series game. Like, on purpose. It was a manager's decision and everything!

Seriously, there's weird stuff going on here.

How else do you explain the sudden downturn of Alex Rodriguez? On the eve of the series, I surmised that it was impossible to imagine A-Rod slowing down at this point. He was seeing the ball better and hitting the ball harder than any time in his five years in pinstripes.

Of course, A-Rod has responded to my endorsement with an 0-for-8, six-strikeout gagfest in the first two games. Thanks, bud.

On Thursday night, I sent the following message to my friend Howie, and avid Yankees fan but also a big apologist of Ryan Howard, who whiffed four times in Game Two.

My text: "And that's why Ryan Howard will never be considered an all-time great."

Howie's retort?

"Then what does that say about A-Rod?"

Ugh. I hate devastatingly accurate counterpoints.

The point is, I don't think Rodriguez is back to square one in his attempts to resurrect his postseason legacy. But he can't take a third straight oh-fer, either. Finish it out strong, A-Rod. You're thisclose to being a New York hero.

I'm ready for anything tonight. Andy Pettitte can take the mound in a dress. Derek Jeter can be outed as a communist. Charlie Manuel can be seen in a dugout shot without grease stains on his jersey. Phillies fans can be civil and non-douchey.

Well, scratch that last one. Some things are just too far-fetched to ever be true.

Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

World Series, Game 2: Who Was That Guy?

Sometime around the sixth inning, I think it was the exact moment Ryan Howard asked home-plate umpire Jeff Nelson if he could hit off a tee, I realized who the guy pitching for the Yankees reminded me of.

The wirey build, the ink, the lizard-like features, that insane curve ball. This guy was just like A.J. Burnett, the Toronto Blue Jays star.

I remember him dominating the Yankees with relative easy the past couple of years, but I guess the Yanks were fortunate to miss him when they played the Jays this year. Cashman should really look into acquiring that guy. What a beast.

We have an A.J. Burnett, too, but he's never been anything like the stud in Toronto. Our A.J. looks the same, acts the same, also compartmentalizes violent tendencies by watching 300.

But our Burnett has always been a bit of a mystery.

The type of pitcher who can look like an All-Star for four starts and then look like a career minor leaguer for the next eight. His previous three outings in the postseason provided a condensed version of his 2009 season: bursts of brilliance mixed with epic ugliness.

It was, well, annoying.

That's what made Burnett's outstanding performance (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 K, 2 BB) against the Phillies on Thursday all the more refreshing. After a season in which he teased you with his talent, dangling the carrot in front of Yankees fans, Burnett finally showed why Brian Cashman wanted him so badly in the first place.

New York paid $82.5 million for the A.J. Burnett who pitched like the guy in Toronto. He showed up about six months late, but say this for him, he knows how to make an entrance.

Burnett was locked in from the first pitch of the game, and he needed to be. The Yankees offense continued to struggle this postseason, mystified by Pedro Martinez and his 88-mph fastball.

Two big swings and Mariano Rivera ensured that Burnett's effort wouldn't be wasted.

Say this for Mark Teixeira: he hasn't had many hits in the postseason, but he's made them count. He only has nine hits in 46 at-bats, but they include the single preceding A-Rod's game-tying homer off Nathan in Game Two of the ALDS, the walk-off homer that followed that night, the bases-clearing double in Game 5 of the ALCS and the game-tying homer off Pedro last night.

And then we have Hideki Matsui, who showed again why the Yankees will miss him next year when he's batting in the middle of the Mariners lineup.

Matsui has gotten a ton of big hits over the years. If last night proves to be his last big hit as a Yankee, it's only fitting that it was against Pedro. Matsui's first signature postseason moment came in the famous eighth-inning rally of Game Seven of the 2003 ALCS.

I think we remember who was pitching that game as well.

The series shifts to Philly on Saturday night, right in the middle of thousands of Halloween parties. Andy Pettitte gets the call opposite the effeminately-voiced Cole Hamels, a game that shapes up like a potential classic.

Keep your focus on the game, people. The girls in the slutty costumes will be there after Mo closes things out in the ninth.

Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

World Series, Game 1: Yanks pick wrong time for bad night

In the minutes preceding the Yankees' miraculous, positively 2001-esque, one-run rally in the ninth inning last night against the Phillies, my friends and I attempted to glean any positive developments from a disheartening evening.

The conversation went something like this:

Dan: Um, CC battled through without his best stuff.

Howie: Yeah, definitely.

(Awkward silence)

Howie: Marte did his job.

Dan: Oh yeah.

(Extended pause of sorrow)

Dan: That Jeter can still hit.

(One beat)

Bob: Handsome, too.

(Half a beat)

Dan, Howie, Bob: Oh yeah, definitely.

How bad was last night? Stationed at the Upper West Side bar, Blondies, I was interviewed by a NY Post reporter for your standard "fan reaction" piece . The bastard didn't even use my quote! What kind of Yankees blogger can't even get his Yankees perspective printed in the freaking Post ???

Nobody had a good night on Wednesday.

The negatives are far easier to come up with than the positives. Cliff Lee, whose nonchalant pop-up grab and "Look-how-cool-I-am" behind-the-back fielding skills make him genuinely unlikable, pitched a remarkable game. I watched nearly every Yankee inning this season and never saw them look as bad as Lee made them look last night.

And we can potentially see him two more times in the next week! Awesome.

Phil Hughes, meanwhile, has entered Section 8 territory on us, the latest chapter in a career with more weird twists and turns than a Passions marathon on Oxygen. He walked both men he faced to lead off the eighth, setting in motion the Phillies rally that buried any hopes of a comeback.

What do you do with Hughes at this point? The logical move would be to bury him in the back of the bullpen, but are you really going to try to win this series without the guy who was so instrumental to getting you to the playoffs in the first place?

It's truly a disappointing career development for a guy who had truly seemed to make The Leap.

I'm cautiously optimistic looking ahead to tonight. The Phillies offer up Pedro Martinez, who the Yankees always found a way to beat, even in his scary-good days. Do I expect Pedro to roll over tonight? No way. But if this Yankees team is as good as we think they are, they should be able to get Pedro out of the game by the sixth and put up some runs as they do it.

Oh, and one more thing, Pedro. You did beat up that old fat bald guy in 2003. It happened. Denial is not the route here. Just accept it and move on.

And then there's the issue of one Allan James Burnett. This is the exact moment the Yankees have tried to avoid all month, putting the right-hander in a high-pressure spot with a lot on the line. It seems kind of ridiculous to think that, seeing as New York paid Burnett $82.5 million to basically be a secondary ace for the team.

But it didn't work out that way during the regular season, and it hasn't worked out in the playoffs either. Burnett isn't going to earn his money this year, but he can at least salvage some respect with a strong showing tonight.

And this is the exact moment where I fully realize we're putting the season in the hands of A.J. Burnett. Excuse me while I go find a fire alarm to pull at Yankee Stadium.

Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

11 Reasons Why The Yankees Should Get to 27

Put on your old Donnie Baseball jersey, pour a cold beer, and get out your Tim McCarver voodoo doll...it's time for the World Series! River & Sunset has 11 reasons why the American League champion Yankees will topple the National League champion Phillies in the annual Fall Classic.

11. Home-field advantage

The Yankees went 57-24 at Yankee Stadium during the regular season and are undefeated in five home games during the playoffs. The Phillies, meanwhile, were the only playoff team that played better on the road (48-33) than at home (45-36) during the regular season. They are 4-1 at home in the postseason.

10. Less humiliating fight song

This is a lesser of two evils type of thing; like deciding if you'd rather be boiled in a vat of acid or torn apart by rabid pitbulls.

The virgins over at Z100 unveiled a re-worked version of the Jay-Z/Rihanna single "Run This Town", boasting of the Yankees' greatness.

The chorus of "Yankees Run This Town":

"Winning games like it's not fair/Yankees rule so we don't care/26 World Series rings/Time to pop some more champagne/Victory is within the mile/Almost there don't give up now/Only thing that's on my mind/Yanks gonna run this town tonight"

Oh boy.

Somehow, the simple-minded folk over at Philadelphia Q102 managed to out-gay the Yankees, using a Miley Cyrus sample to prove they actually root for the team that is superior at the game of baseball

The hook of "Phillies Going All The Way":

"So I put my hands up, the game is comin' on/The Phillies goin' all the way/Noddin' my head like yeah, movin' my hips like yeah/I put my hands up/Hits the pitch and it's gone/The Phillies gonna save the day/Yeah, it's the Phillies goin' all the way"

So, yeah, both kind of disgraceful, but Jay-Z > Miley Cyrus. Let's just move on.

9. CC, CC, CC

I typed Mr. Sabathia's name three times because that's how many times the Phillies may have to see the beefy ALCS MVP this series. The Yankees have leaned on their big man all season long, so it's only right they do it again tonight in Game One. Cliff Lee is a more than capable adversary, but he's not squaring off against Hiroki Kuroda anymore.

8. Jimmy Rollins is .250 hitter

The Phillies shortstop talks a lot. Like, a lot. It always seemed cute when he would mess with those poor, defenseless Mets, but this isn't the Mets, pal. And again, you're a .250 hitter. Let's leave the trash talk to the big boys, okay J-Roll?

7. Charlie Manuel vs. Joe Girardi

It was hard not to jump from the Girardi Bandwagon after his rocky ALCS, but at least he, well, prepares for games. Manuel makes Joe Torre look like Buck Showalter in comparison. I imagine Manuel's most impressive asset as manager is his ability to clear out the right side of the dugout after a seven-course meal at Charlie Brown's.

6. Philadelphia fans are the worst

Trust me, these guys are awful humans. When I was living in L.A., we used to go to this sports bar in Hollywood called Big Wangs. It's a great place, where games start at 10 a.m., they have DIY bloody marys, you can order buffalo chicken quesadillas with tater tots for breakfast, and if you're lucky like me, a busboy will steal your watch.

Anyway, as a Jets fan, I went to Wangs to eat, drink, and watch my team disgrace itself in peace. But the Eagles fans can't just sit and watch a game like regular fans. They need to scream and yell and sing their horrible fight song after something as nondescript as a three-and-out on defense.

Worst of all, when things turn sour (and with the Eagles, they always do) these buffoons are suddenly nowhere to be seen. They probably skip out on the bill, too.

Judging by how much Mets fans despise Phillies fans, I can only assume these guys are the same way with baseball.

5. A-Rod is A-God

You can't imagine Alex Rodriguez letting up at this point, right? I mean, did you see him in Game Six? He's on every single pitch. A-Rod has used this postseason to reshape his legacy to this point. A huge World Series can cement it.

4. Closer breakdown is not even close

Let's see. In Mariano Rivera, the Yankees have the greatest relief pitcher ever to put on a uniform, both in the regular season and the playoffs. The Phillies have Brad Lidge, a guy who was publicly raped on national television by Albert Pujols a few years back, has a bum knee, and blew nine saves during the season, including one to the Yankees.

His name is also Brad. Warrants mentioning.

Phillies fans contend that Lidge is all better after going 4-for-4 in save opportunities in the playoffs. I'm going to say he blows at least one save in this series, and he may sniff Byung-Hyun Kim territory with another.

3. Better mascot

The Phillies have the Philly Phanatic, a fat, furry green creature that has been a staple of Phillies home games since 1978. The Yankees don't have a mascot, because mascots are fucking amateur hour.

2. Celebrity edge

Notable Yankee celebrity fans: Jack Nicholson, Rudy Giuliani, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Billy Crystal, Tom Brady, Adam Sandler, Bruce Springsteen, Jesus Christ, Kate Hudson, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, LeBron James, God, Jennifer Lopez, Chris Rock, Jay-Z, Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington, Bono, Donald Trump, David Letterman

Notable Phillies celebrity fans: Kevin Eubanks, Jamie Kennedy, Art Garfunkel, Ali Larter

Put it this way: If Wham! liked baseball, we'd get George Michael and they'd get the other guy.

1. The Yankees are the better team

I don't think this is going to be a cake walk. The Phillies are a good team, the best team the Yankees have faced in the World Series since the '96 Braves. That said, this has been a special season in New York, and I just don't see this train crapping out this close to the station.

The Yankees in six. See you at the parade.

Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

Yankees Glossary of Terms: World Series Edition

The Yankees are back in the World Series for the first time in six years. For those not familiar with the American League champions, River & Sunset has provided a brief rundown of each player.


Aceves, Alfredo: Earned "Seventh-Inning Guy" designation over the course of excellent regular season in which he went 10-1. Was unceremoniously dumped from team's plans in postseason based solely on the idea that Joba Chamberlain used to be good.




Burnett, A.J. - Highest-paid pie thrower in recorded history. Entire fanbase, and Burnett himself, is fully aware of unmerciful assault about to come at hands of the Phillies.





Chamberlain, Joba - One-time apple of organization's eye, burly right-hander is running low on fan goodwill following maddening 2009 season. Inability to throw in upper-90s anymore has him dangerously close to JAG (just another guy)-status.



Coke, Phil - Earned left-handed specialist tag with steady regular season. For reasons unknown, has lost Joe Girardi's trust during postseason. Steve Howe would have been annoying teammate.





Gaudin, Chad: Presumed No. 4 starter. May get World Series ring and huge salary bonus simply on merit of warming up in bullpen occasionally.





Hughes, Phil - Precipitous drop in performance is in direct correlation to shaving of porn mustache. Team's World Series hopes may hinge on if he can recover from recent struggles. Periodically-updated blog reveals affinity for really shitty nu metal (and Collective Soul).



Marte, Damaso - Doomed in 2008 when Girardi channeled predecessor's Reliever Abused Perpetually Everyday (RAPE) strategy. Further injury problems derailed this season, but has improbably entered Girardi's circle of trust during playoffs.




Pettitte, Andy - Another strong postseason has fans finally realizing he is among best pitchers in franchise history. FOX shows roughly 31 extreme closeups of face and/or profile per telecast. My gf enjoys this.



Rivera, Mariano - Has been goat twice (2001 World Series, 2004 ALCS). Has been G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All-Time) in all other instances.




Robertson, Dave: Strikeout machine has not been plugged in enough during postseason. May provide new bridge to Rivera if Hughes and Joba continue descent into mediocrity.




Sabathia, CC - ALCS MVP was everything Yankees could have hoped for and is probably the most amazing bear ever in the gay Yankee fan community. Is the Nintendo RBI Baseball champion in clubhouse and will likely lure LeBron to Knicks as well. Basically the greatest dude ever.




Cervelli, Francisco: Called into emergency duty when parent club was besieged by injuries at catcher position. Was lauded for not making fool of himself. A hit with ladies.




Molina, Jose - Defensive-minded catcher has earned playing time in postseason solely because A.J. Burnett wants to straight-up murder Jorge Posada. Would likely snag bronze medal in foot race with Bill Parcells, Lieutenant Dan.




Posada, Jorge - Bounced back from shoulder surgery with typically ho-hum 20-homer, 80-RBI campaign. May actually be a future Hall of Famer. Guaranteed to have at least one huge hit in every postseason series. Has one of those wives who is so hot it actually makes you angry.


Cano, Robinson - Enjoyed season of 204 hits and countless wee-hour dance-offs with Melky Cabrera. Fear of hitting with runners in scoring position is equal to or greater than fear of local discotheques banning glowsticks.



Jeter, Derek - Further entrenched sainthood by breaking Yankees' all-time hits mark in September. Sees Friday Night Lights starlet Minka Kelly nude on regular basis. Has opportunity to win fifth World Series ring this week. Has the life you have always wanted but will never, ever, ever attain.



Rodriguez, Alex - Channeled powers of Kate Hudson's private parts to finally become postseason goliath. Public image has undergone complete transformation over the course of six months. Managed to remove secret stipulation in landmark contract that had previously exposed him as a jackass every 90 days.


Teixeira, Mark - May or may not be T-800 Terminator model. Hits like a machine, fields like a machine, but will never know what love is or why babies cry.





Cabrera, Melky - Thousands of fans downgraded "Got Melky?" t-shirts to cardio workout and garage-painting status after awful 2008 campaign. Bounced back with steady '09 and strong ALCS. Kind of looks like a teddy bear.



Damon, Johnny - Affable and productive No. 2 batter who guaranteed new contract offer from Yankees with strong ALCS. About two years away from getting RV with Matt McConaghy in Malibu and "just seeing where life takes him."



Guzman, Freddy: Put on ALDS and ALCS roster solely because he has a name that makes him sound fast, not unlike Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez.




Gardner, Brett - Supposed to be Girardi's secret pinch-running weapon in postseason, but keeps on getting thrown out at second base. John Sterling dying for a reason to break out "The GARDNER plants HIS SEED!" catchphrase.



Hairston Jr., Jerry: Scored most dramatic run of playoff run in Game Two of ALCS. Constantly trying to prove to his father that he's good enough.




Swisher, Nick - Sweet-natured goofball who has earned much of the credit for changing the culture of Yankees clubhouse. Inability to obtain base hits in ALCS overshadowed by season-full of goodwill earned through daily doses of "Swisher Salute" to Bleacher Creatures.




Matsui, Hideki - Though knees are only knees in theory at this point, Matsui was among American League's most productive designated hitters in 2009. In all likelihood, playing his final games with the Yankees. Organization will have trouble finding another Japanese icon with intense affinity for pornography.



Girardi, Joe - Straight-laced second-year skipper lightened up in 2009 and earned respect from players and media in the process. Has endured rocky postseason in which 75 percent of fanbase has wanted to inject him with swine flu at times. Invokes God's name a lot more than typically necessary. Hides his braces well.


Cashman, Brian - Respected GM who has become somewhat of a Teflon Don in organization once defined by turnover and front office unrest. Deft signings of Sabathia and Teixeira brought kudos from fans and scorn from contemporaries and salary-cap enthusiasts.



Steinbrenner, Hal - Yankees part owner bares passing resemblance to late Superman actor Christopher Reeve, sames share sensibilities as blustery father and has (probably) bailed big brother Hank out of drunk tank 10-12 times since 1992.




Steinbrenner, Hank - Kind of like the dude at the party who start fights with people then pretends his friends are only thing holding him back from actually kicking some ass. Resents little brother for being better looking; actually having defined power in organization.




Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

Yanks earn their way back to baseball's greatest stage

I liken my feeling prior to first pitch of Game Six last night to how Lindsay Lohan must feel on the eve of a mandatory probation hearing.

Unjustly annoyed. Kind of dazed. Quite nervous. Thinking about what can be ingested to take the edge off things.

I was annoyed because I knew the series should already be over. I was dazed because all those maddening off days had turned my apartment into the Overlook Hotel. (All off days and no play make Dan a dull boy.) I was nervous because of 2004. I was thinking about drinking gluttonous amounts of vodka.

The buffoons at the FOX pregame show didn't help matters any.

Eric Karros, perhaps best known as the worst player to ever hit 284 home runs, spoke of merely capable Angels starter Joe Saunders in hushed tones of reverence.

Mark Grace, a man so intelligent he once reasoned that having sex with unattractive women would make him hit a baseball further, basically wrote off the Yankees' chances with Andy Pettitte on the mound, getting in a dig on Pettitte's performance against Grace and the '01 D-backs while he was at it.

(Hey Gracey, you beat Pettitte in the World Series because he was unknowingly tipping his pitches. And by the way, seeking out fat chicks to bang doesn't lead to hits; it just shows you have low self-esteem.)

Once the game started and the hours days of pregame chatter dissipated, I immediately started to feel better. The crowd at the Stadium was great, and Pettitte was throwing strikes and generally looking like the veteran who would become baseball's winningest playoff pitcher ever in less than four hours.

The Yankees may have been tight, but they didn't look it. Instead, they gave off the vibe of a team that knew it was better than its opponent.

When the Angels drew first blood on Bobby Abreu's single in the third, you didn't feel the same sense of dread that blanketed the old Stadium when Curt Schilling, Party City blood on his sock and all, was staked to an early lead in Game Six of the ALCS five years ago.

That Yankees team in '04 redefined the idea of playing tight. The cast of the 1997 Showtime classic Joe Torre: Curveballs Along the Way could've beaten the '04 Yanks in Games Six and Seven, and they had Tori Spelling's husband playing David Cone.

This modern-day Yankees team is different.

They are a closer, deeper, and more cohesive unit than any of the post-dynasty teams.

While Joe Torre, and perhaps even Paul Sorvino, would have managed aspects of the ALCS better than Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager deserves credit for nailing two crucial decisions on Sunday.

One was sticking with Pettitte when starting a fully rested CC Sabathia was the play-it-safe move. Pettitte rewarded his manager's faith, and now the Yanks are set up this week with Sabathia potentially pitching three games against the Phillies.

The second move was to bring in Mariano Rivera for the final six outs. This was not the time to mess around, and Girardi managed decisively in a key juncture of the season. After a week of over-thinking every bullpen move with often dreadful results, Girardi simplified things and put the ball in the hands of the G.O.A.T.

The. Greatest. Of. All. Time.

I wrote before the playoffs started how this was likely the last chance for the Old Guard of Derek Jeter/Jorge Posada/Pettitte/Mo to contribute at a high level alongside the New Guard of Mark Teixeira/Alex Rodriguez/CC/Phil Hughes.

Watching Pettitte, Posada, and Mo combine on the win that sent the Yankees to the World Series was fitting in that sense. The old guys have fully embraced this unique moment in the franchise's history.

The clubhouse celebration was really cool for that reason. Jeter had a look of satisfaction on his face that you haven't seen in years. Seeing Posada and Rivera with their kids was a reminder how long we've been attached to these guys.

Work is still to be done, of course. The Twins and Angels are now history, but next up is the Phillies, probably the best National League team the Yankees have faced in the Fall Classic since the '96 Braves.

I'm sure there will be people who count the Yankees out, clowns like Eric Karros and Mark Grace who look for any reason to go against the big bad Bronx Bombers.

I wouldn't suggest it, though. The Yankees have played like champions for five months. I don't get the feeling it's going to stop now.

Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

Four more to go ...