Glossary of Terms: 2009 Yankees (Part 2)

Here's Part 2 of River & Sunset's breakdown of the 2009 Yankees. Click here to check out Part 1.

Molina, Jose - Defensive-minded catcher could still see decent amount of PT despite return of starter Jorge Posada. Would likely snag bronze medal in foot race with Bill Parcells, Lieutenant Dan.





Posada, Jorge - Baseball's only 37-year-old backstop coming off major shoulder surgery who will be asked to drive in 90 runs and catch 135+ games this season. Has one of those wives that is so hot it actually makes you angry.


Cano, Robinson - Possibly kidnapped last season and replaced with evil-intentioned doppelganger, not unlike major plot point in Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear. Has had relations with every co-ed on Fordham University campus.



Jeter, Derek - Got four rings before 30, got Mariah in her prime. This essentially sums up his entire existence. May be entering period of decline, will do nothing to change fact that you'd crawl 500 yards through a sewage pipe to live a day in his shoes.



Ransom, Cody - May be star of one-hour crime drama on CBS mid-season replacement schedule.





Rodriguez, Alex - Got zero rings before 30, got Madonna after her prime. This essentially sums up his entire existence. One-time American switched to being Dominican for 2009 World Baseball Classic. Landmark contract contained secret stipulation that exposes him as a jackass every 90 days.


Teixeira, Mark - Key free-agent acquistion has never eaten Snickers bar or experienced what humanoids describe as "emotion". May or may not be T-800 Terminator model. Sometime in August, will request private moment with Derek Jeter to ask, "What ... is ... love?"



Cabrera, Melky - One-time starting center fielder made thousands of Yankees fans regret buying "Got Melky?" T-shirts in 2006. Kind of looks like a stuffed teddy bear.




Damon, Johnny - Affable and productive leadoff man whose most famous homer in Yankee Stadium came in a Red Sox uniform (2004 ALCS, Game 7). About two years away from getting RV with Matt McConaghy in Malibu and "just seeing where life takes him."



Gardner, Brett - Could become modern day Brett Butler or finish career with zero homers and lifetime batting average of .219. John Sterling really wants to break out "The GARDNER plants HIS SEED!" catchphrase.



Nady, Xavier - Will smoke quality pitch up the left-center field gap one at-bat and strike out on three terrible pitches the next. A possible candidate to get lit up continuously on WFAN for the entire summer.




Swisher, Nick - Maybe the first hot stove acquisition in history to lose his job before ever putting on uniform. Likely a product of hitting a robust .219 last season.





Matsui, Hideki - 350 groundouts to second will be even more costly when running on knees that are knees in only theory at this point. Could still beat Molina in footrace.




Girardi, Joe - First season in pinstripes came with a pass under public's notion that $230 million team was "in transition year". Depending on who you listen to, can be a super dick at times.




Cashman, Brian - Respected GM who has become somewhat of a Teflon Don in organization once defined by turnover and front office unrest. Secretly wants to straight-up murder Theo Epstein.




Steinbrenner, Hal - Yankees part owner bares passing resemblance to late Superman actor Christopher Reeve, sames share sensibilities as blustery father and has (probably) bailed big brother Hank out of drunk tank 10-12 times since 1992.




Steinbrenner, Hank - Kind of like the dude at the party who start fights with people then pretends his friends are only thing holding him back from actually kicking some ass. Resents little brother for being better looking; actually having defined power in organization.

Glossary of Terms: 2009 Yankees (Part 1)

With Spring Training on the horizon, River & Sunset wants Yankees fans to get to know their 2009 team. Today we'll feature the pitching staff. On Wednesday, we will define the position players, manager and front office.


Bruney, Brian - One-time plus-sized reliever was poised for contribution in 2008 before setting off the Exploding Foot Epidemic in April. Slotted as primary setup man in '09.




Burnett, A.J. - Free agent acquisition both high on ability and elbow scar tissue. Took Yankees exactly two months to oversee risk of signing injury-prone former Florida Marlins starters. Wife looks nothing like John Madden, but shares same mistrust of aerodynamics.




Chamberlain, Joba - Would-be franchise savior whose fine pitching ability polarizes fans by way of tired starter/reliever debate. Drunk as a skunk when pulled over in Lincoln, Nebraska in October. Would be wise to use the "Um, it's Nebraska, your honor" defense.



Coke, Phil - Lights-out performance in September was pretty cool, but will be interesting to see how abilities translate in games that count. Steve Howe would have been an annoying teammate.





Hughes, Phil - Planned breakout season in 2008 went over worse than an Eddie Murphy vehicle, now hoping to break camp as No. 5 starter. Periodically-updated blog reveals affinity for really shitty Nu Metal (and Collective Soul).



Kennedy, Ian - Majority of fans would rather see Ted on mound at this point following lost 2008 season. Would be helpful if said fans recall that right-hander just turned 24 freaking years old.




Marte, Damaso - Manager Joe Girardi channeled predecessor's Reliever Abused Perpetually Everyday (RAPE) strategy when dealing with left-hander last August. Can be key cog in bullpen if used without malice.




Pettitte, Andy - Veteran has shown little loyalty to franchise that stood by him after dropping "Oh yeah, I'm a drug cheat" bomb last year. Risking Yankee legacy over $2-3 million that he'd never be able to spend.



Ramirez, Edwar - Smoke-and-mirrors right-hander set record for most flat changeups thrown in one season in 2008. Weighs less than calf of teammate CC Sabathia.





Rivera, Mariano - Has been goat twice (2001 World Series, 2004 ALCS). Has been G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All-Time) in all other instances.




Sabathia, CC - Plump left-hander was prize of current free-agent class and projects to be team ace. Anything less than 18 wins and 220 innings pitched will likely lead to burning at the stake. Has (probably) eaten hot dogs and talked about girls with LeBron James.



Veras, Jose - Hard-throwing right-hander went from awful to awesome to awful in 2008. Yankees hope to up awesome quotient in 2009.




Wang, Chien-Ming - Ideal No. 2 starter forced into role of No. 1 starter for past two seasons, right-hander will slot into second or third spot in rotation in '09. Foot exploded in bizarre basepaths misadventure last June, will never again be seen running in Yankee uniform. Can probably pull insane amount of tail in native Taiwan.


Wright, Chase - Corpse of one-time prospect still being picked at by vultures at Fenway Park.





Position players, manager and front office coming up Wednesday ...

Seat could get warm fast for Girardi

Joe Girardi has never had it easy here.

That's to be expected when you're the manager of the New York Yankees, of course, but Girardi's path has been especially thorny. Consider the facts:

▪ When Girardi was named the Yankees' manager in late 2007, he had to beat out a beloved franchise superstar to get the job in Don Mattingly.
▪ He was replacing a hugely successful figure who had become an institution on the New York sports landscape in Joe Torre.
▪ Yankee ownership was turning over for the first time in decades as George Steinbrenner officially ceded power to sons Hal and Hank.
▪ General manager Brian Cashman was in the midst of molding a franchise philosophy shift, one that would rely heavily on unproven young prospects to march the club to a 13th consecutive postseason appearance.

Well, we all know what happened next. Torre and Mattingly headed off to Los Angeles, where the Dodgers eventually advanced to the NLCS. Back in the Bronx, Hal lurked in the shadows as Hank provided lots of bark and zero bite. On the field, the kids fizzled and injuries battered the lineup and rotation. Eighty-nine wins wasn't nearly enough to keep the Stadium from being dark in its final October.

Somewhat surprisingly, Girardi didn't catch much in the way of heat, not for the club's subpar play anyway. A contentious relationship developed between Girardi and the media as the season moved along, but the Yankee brass and fanbase remained largely behind the first-year skipper. It was understood that 2008 was somewhat of a "transition year", even if in Yankee Land a transition year included a $230 million payroll.

Girardi enters a new world in 2009, a season that will largely define his future in the organization. With a shiny new Stadium and corporate boxes to fill, the Yankees went borderline insane during free agency, investing $421 million on CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira. The youth movement was shelved as the club decided 2009 was a season to go all-in.

In one wild spending spree, the expectations of this Yankees team changed dramatically. Never mind the fact that two of the best teams in baseball resided in the AL East or that the Yankees were still loaded with thirty-something players on the precipice of decline. The Yankees were now expected to return to the World Series after a five-year drought.

If they don't? Well, you can expect changes and it's certainly possible that Girardi could be the fall guy.

Not that we can feel too bad for ol' Joe. He could be managing the Kansas City Royals with Bob Hamelin batting cleanup. He has a coveted job and he's in a great position. Beyond that, Girardi played here and he knows full well the expectations that go along with the gig. But if he thought his job was tough before, he's in for a rude awakening.

The real pressure is just beginning.

Yanks reclaim favorite role with Teixeira

Well, I don't think many of us could say they saw that coming.

Mark Teixeira is a Yankee, and with that, the balance of power in the American League East has shifted. With a fortified starting rotation and now the most coveted slugger on the market in the fold, the Yankees have become the team to beat.

Phew. That underdog stuff didn't suit us around these parts.

It goes without saying that this transaction has people up in arms. A whole new line of venomous "The Yankees are ruining baseball" chatter has filled the interwebs, the club being painted as the demonic warhorse that cackles in the face of a recession. The angry mob points out that the Yanks have committed to nearly half a billion dollars in salary this offseason and that the four highest-paid players in the league will now call Yankee Stadium home in 2009. The general manager of some team called the Milwaukee Brewers even went as far as to send a missive to the press calling for a salary cap. It was adorable.

I can certainly understand the anger in some respects. This is the Yankees' Shawn-Michaels-kicking-Marty-Jeanetty-through-the-Barber-Shop-window move, a defining act of power lacking any sense of subtlety. This is who we really are, screw you for thinking we were anything different. The Yankees have the financial might to dig deep into their war chest, and when the Red Sox hesitated on pulling the trigger to get Teixeira, Brian Cashman jumped in. An eight-year, $180 million mega-deal was born.

And how about those Red Sox? It's hard to say they didn't drop the ball in a big way here. The Yankees needed a young slugger like Teixeira in the worst way, but Theo Epstein and the Boston brass were apparently convinced by New York's possum act. The Sox have become the model for front office excellence in recent years, but their policy of refusing to go beyond set financial limits backfired in this case. Was that $10 to $15 million difference on their end really worth allowing one of the league's premier players to suit up for the archrival? It doesn't seem to make sense.

I have to hand it to Cashman here. If this was his plan all along, it was pretty damn brilliant. You got the two pitchers you coveted and now you stole the top position player right out from under the hated Red Sox's nose. Sure, his job is made exponentially easier with all the resources at his fingertips, but this hot stove work is very much a finesse business. Cashman has kept his cards close to the vest throughout, and now it is the Yankees who will head into April with baseball's best hand.

A winter wonderland, indeed.

Good news or a front?

My personal offseason wishlist was all about 1a and 1b. Get that ace in CC Sabathia and get that young slugger in Mark Teixeira. Mick Jagger taught us that you can't always get what you want, but at least the Sox may not get what they need, either.

Via ESPN.com:

It looked Thursday afternoon as if the Boston Red Sox had made strides toward completing a deal for first baseman Mark Teixeira, major league sources told ESPN.com.

But by Thursday night, Red Sox owner John Henry had sent an e-mail to The Associated Press saying they had been outbid for Teixeira and "are not going to be a factor" in signing him to a nine-figure free agent contract.

"We met with Mr. Teixeira and were very much impressed with him," Henry told AP. "After hearing about his other offers, however, it seems clear that we are not going to be a factor."

The Red Sox seem aware that their once-robust lineup could be significantly weakened this season, with Manny Ramirez long gone and David Ortiz a year older, a year fatter, and coming off tricky wrist surgery. They are also a smart, albeit despicable, organization that has earned a reputation for making smart business decisions in recent years. It will be interesting to see if Henry's bluffing, or if the Boston braintrust actually feels Teixeira is not the best fit at this time.

That said, if he is true to his comments, more good news for the Yanks. If the Angels are stupid enough to let him get away, even better. This offseason is going very well for the Bombers thus far.

Yanks ransack Winter Meetings

The Yankees remind me right now of one of those movies where the bad guy is sucking power from somewhere (a scientist's brain, the city's electric current) and while the source gets weaker, the bad guy keeps on getting stronger, laughing maniacally along the way.

The Yankees are, of course, the bad guy ... familiar thespian ground for the Bombers. And the rest of baseball's recession-conscious organizations are helpless to stop them from taking over the Winter Meetings. You see that when they bid $60 million more than the next suitor to lock down CC Sabathia, and you're seeing it again with the reported fifth year (are you kidding me?) that has been offered A.J. "Don't Call Me Carl" Burnett.

Brian Cashman is not messing around here. He has a fortune in which to rebuild the starting rotation, and he isn't taking any chances. If he gets his way, Phil Hughes will have gone from No. 4 starter in the Bronx to Double-A ace waiting for someone to get injured on the parent club ... all in the space of eight months.

Burnett scares the hell out of me, but on paper it would further fortify a rotation that has come a long way since the end of the 2008 campaign:

September '08
RHP Mike Mussina
LHP Andy Pettitte
RHP Carl Pavano
RHP Sidney Ponson
RHP Alfredo Aceves

December '08
LHP CC Sabathia
RHP Chien-Ming Wang
RHP A.J. Burnett
RHP Joba Chamberlain
LHP Andy Pettitte

As for Sabathia, the Yankees are catching a lot of flak for their supposed over-pursuit of the left-hander, but the fact is that the guy did have reservations about playing in New York and Cashman did a great job alleviating them (adding the extra year was a nice bullet to have in the chamber as well). The pursuit and eventual securing of Sabathia showed a world of improvement over the laughingstock that was the Johan Santana dance. Remember Hank Steinbrenner spewing forth those hollow deadlines? It made the franchise look foolish. This time Hank -- perhaps forcibly -- was completely out of play, allowing Cash to do his job. It was a delicate process, and the GM got the job done.

The Winter Meetings end today, and you get the feeling the Yanks are far from done. Stay tuned.

Yanks may dodge Burnett bullet

It looks like A.J. Burnett may not be in the Yankees' plans after all.

The pitching-starved Braves are making a big play for the talented right-hander. According to Jayson Stark of ESPN.com, Atlanta has offered a four-year deal with a "easily vesting" option on a fifth year. Burnett has been chasing a five-year pact since he opted out of his contract with the Blue Jays and Atlanta is said to be willing to guarantee that fifth year if it will get it done.

Let's assume this deal goes down. First off, congrats to Allan James Burnett, who went from being the Great White North's answer to Carl Pavano to signing the richest free-agent pitcher deal this side of CC Way over the course of 12 months. Bravo. Secondly, this is great news for the Yankees. Admit it ... you weren't looking forward to holding your breath every time Burnett through a pitch for the first Obama administration. The guy was a walking M.A.S.H. unit for two seasons in Toronto before last season. You're not getting consecutive seasons of 34 starts, you're just not.

On top of that, a deal with the Braves would mean Burnett wouldn't be re-signing with the Jays and he wouldn't be going to the Red Sox. In fact, he wouldn't even be in your freaking league anymore. This dude kiiiillllls the Yankees, going 3-1 with a 1.64 ERA in five starts against New York in '08. With the exception of one Interleague series next June -- a likely three-hit shutout, of course -- Burnett would be out of the Yankees' lives. Praise Jesus!

My wish when free agency kicked off last month was that the Yanks would sign Sabathia and Derek Lowe. Well, Mark Teixeira as well, but that's a whole other story. While Sabathia continues to take his sweet time -- hey CC, no one else is giving you $140 mil, get over it -- you still have to figure he'll end up in slimming pinstripes. Lowe is more of a longshot at this point and there's talk that he may return to Boston. If he does end up back at Fenway, bring back whatever's left of Pettitte and head into 2009 like this:

• LHP CC Sabathia
• RHP Chien-Ming Wang
• LHP Andy Pettitte
• RHP Joba Chamberlain
• RHP Phil Hughes/RHP Alfredo Aceves/RHP Ian Kennedy

That would potentially be the best 1-2 punch in baseball, but the rotation as a whole looks dangerously thin to me in this scenario, with a innings-limited Joba coming off a scary DL-stint, Pettitte on the decline and Hughes/Kennedy reprensenting huge question marks. Burnett isn't the right fit for the Yanks, but general manager Brian Cashman should remain committed to making a splash that goes beyond Sabathia. If I'm in charge, I lock up CC and lock up Lowe, even if I have to overpay for the playboy sinkerballer. Sabathia gives you your ace, Lowe provides you peace of mind.

It's just money, Cash. Spend it.