Saturday, January 10, 2009

Glossary of Terms: 2009 Yankees (Part 1)

With Spring Training on the horizon, River & Sunset wants Yankees fans to get to know their 2009 team. Today we'll feature the pitching staff. On Wednesday, we will define the position players, manager and front office.

Bruney, Brian - One-time plus-sized reliever was poised for contribution in 2008 before setting off the Exploding Foot Epidemic in April. Slotted as primary setup man in '09.

Burnett, A.J. - Free agent acquisition both high on ability and elbow scar tissue. Took Yankees exactly two months to oversee risk of signing injury-prone former Florida Marlins starters. Wife looks nothing like John Madden, but shares same mistrust of aerodynamics.

Chamberlain, Joba - Would-be franchise savior whose fine pitching ability polarizes fans by way of tired starter/reliever debate. Drunk as a skunk when pulled over in Lincoln, Nebraska in October. Would be wise to use the "Um, it's Nebraska, your honor" defense.

Coke, Phil - Lights-out performance in September was pretty cool, but will be interesting to see how abilities translate in games that count. Steve Howe would have been an annoying teammate.

Hughes, Phil - Planned breakout season in 2008 went over worse than an Eddie Murphy vehicle, now hoping to break camp as No. 5 starter. Periodically-updated blog reveals affinity for really shitty Nu Metal (and Collective Soul).

Kennedy, Ian - Majority of fans would rather see Ted on mound at this point following lost 2008 season. Would be helpful if said fans recall that right-hander just turned 24 freaking years old.

Marte, Damaso - Manager Joe Girardi channeled predecessor's Reliever Abused Perpetually Everyday (RAPE) strategy when dealing with left-hander last August. Can be key cog in bullpen if used without malice.

Pettitte, Andy - Veteran has shown little loyalty to franchise that stood by him after dropping "Oh yeah, I'm a drug cheat" bomb last year. Risking Yankee legacy over $2-3 million that he'd never be able to spend.

Ramirez, Edwar - Smoke-and-mirrors right-hander set record for most flat changeups thrown in one season in 2008. Weighs less than calf of teammate CC Sabathia.

Rivera, Mariano - Has been goat twice (2001 World Series, 2004 ALCS). Has been G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All-Time) in all other instances.

Sabathia, CC - Plump left-hander was prize of current free-agent class and projects to be team ace. Anything less than 18 wins and 220 innings pitched will likely lead to burning at the stake. Has (probably) eaten hot dogs and talked about girls with LeBron James.

Veras, Jose - Hard-throwing right-hander went from awful to awesome to awful in 2008. Yankees hope to up awesome quotient in 2009.

Wang, Chien-Ming - Ideal No. 2 starter forced into role of No. 1 starter for past two seasons, right-hander will slot into second or third spot in rotation in '09. Foot exploded in bizarre basepaths misadventure last June, will never again be seen running in Yankee uniform. Can probably pull insane amount of tail in native Taiwan.

Wright, Chase - Corpse of one-time prospect still being picked at by vultures at Fenway Park.

Position players, manager and front office coming up Wednesday ...


Rebecca said...

This may have been one of the most amazing thing I've ever read.

brian said...

man, o man...i am laughing alone at my computer. good work. fine job son.

brian said...

alright, you said wednesday....i'm it up there...let see the sequel!....

DH said...

sorry brian, technical difficulties. coming up this weekend!