Friday, January 16, 2009

Glossary of Terms: 2009 Yankees (Part 2)

Here's Part 2 of River & Sunset's breakdown of the 2009 Yankees. Click here to check out Part 1.

Molina, Jose - Defensive-minded catcher could still see decent amount of PT despite return of starter Jorge Posada. Would likely snag bronze medal in foot race with Bill Parcells, Lieutenant Dan.

Posada, Jorge - Baseball's only 37-year-old backstop coming off major shoulder surgery who will be asked to drive in 90 runs and catch 135+ games this season. Has one of those wives that is so hot it actually makes you angry.

Cano, Robinson - Possibly kidnapped last season and replaced with evil-intentioned doppelganger, not unlike major plot point in Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear. Has had relations with every co-ed on Fordham University campus.

Jeter, Derek - Got four rings before 30, got Mariah in her prime. This essentially sums up his entire existence. May be entering period of decline, will do nothing to change fact that you'd crawl 500 yards through a sewage pipe to live a day in his shoes.

Ransom, Cody - May be star of one-hour crime drama on CBS mid-season replacement schedule.

Rodriguez, Alex - Got zero rings before 30, got Madonna after her prime. This essentially sums up his entire existence. One-time American switched to being Dominican for 2009 World Baseball Classic. Landmark contract contained secret stipulation that exposes him as a jackass every 90 days.

Teixeira, Mark - Key free-agent acquistion has never eaten Snickers bar or experienced what humanoids describe as "emotion". May or may not be T-800 Terminator model. Sometime in August, will request private moment with Derek Jeter to ask, "What ... is ... love?"

Cabrera, Melky - One-time starting center fielder made thousands of Yankees fans regret buying "Got Melky?" T-shirts in 2006. Kind of looks like a stuffed teddy bear.

Damon, Johnny - Affable and productive leadoff man whose most famous homer in Yankee Stadium came in a Red Sox uniform (2004 ALCS, Game 7). About two years away from getting RV with Matt McConaghy in Malibu and "just seeing where life takes him."

Gardner, Brett - Could become modern day Brett Butler or finish career with zero homers and lifetime batting average of .219. John Sterling really wants to break out "The GARDNER plants HIS SEED!" catchphrase.

Nady, Xavier - Will smoke quality pitch up the left-center field gap one at-bat and strike out on three terrible pitches the next. A possible candidate to get lit up continuously on WFAN for the entire summer.

Swisher, Nick - Maybe the first hot stove acquisition in history to lose his job before ever putting on uniform. Likely a product of hitting a robust .219 last season.

Matsui, Hideki - 350 groundouts to second will be even more costly when running on knees that are knees in only theory at this point. Could still beat Molina in footrace.

Girardi, Joe - First season in pinstripes came with a pass under public's notion that $230 million team was "in transition year". Depending on who you listen to, can be a super dick at times.

Cashman, Brian - Respected GM who has become somewhat of a Teflon Don in organization once defined by turnover and front office unrest. Secretly wants to straight-up murder Theo Epstein.

Steinbrenner, Hal - Yankees part owner bares passing resemblance to late Superman actor Christopher Reeve, sames share sensibilities as blustery father and has (probably) bailed big brother Hank out of drunk tank 10-12 times since 1992.

Steinbrenner, Hank - Kind of like the dude at the party who start fights with people then pretends his friends are only thing holding him back from actually kicking some ass. Resents little brother for being better looking; actually having defined power in organization.

1 comment:

brian said...

gracias dude. nice work..."knees in theory"...nice.